Are you a judgemental keyboard warrier? Do you enjoy cheap wine? Do you like to combine the two on a regular basis?

Then step right up!

First of all I see the dictionary definition of ex-pat and immigrant to be exactly the same thing. Except one suggests a certain superiority over the other which I wholeheartedly disagree with. I therefore am an immigrant, and any use of the term ex-pat in this blog post is used with creative license only, and definitely not sentiment.

My Christ.

In the same ways that my old UK village’s Parish Facebook page was all, dog shit bins, double parking and the passive aggressive selling of second hand pushchairs, the French ex-pat pages are just the absolute pits.

There are a few categories of post, and poster, which I’ll touch upon here. If I was clever and could be arsed, I’d do a Venn diagram, but I’m not and I can’t be. Let us begin.

Q: Are you fluent in French and want to be really smug about it?

A: Yes

Top Tip: When responding to questions for “what is French for Self Levelling Concrete” ensure you tell people that you MUST speak fluent French or you’ll spontaneously combust, you MUST use only French artisans, and ensure that you tell them they MUST speak to their Maire before painting their shutters/lighting a fire/scratching their arse.

Q: Could Google answer this question?

A: Yes

Top Tip: This is not the place for you, they’ll skin you alive. Learn how to use Google. Then use google.

Q: Are you too tight to pay for complicated international tax advice?

A: Yes

Top Tip: Put your hand in your pocket and pay for a professional. Do not take legal council from people that can’t spell Schengen and sell wax melts from their gite.

Q: Do you miss Heinz Baked Beans, or Fairy Liquid?

A: Yes

Top Tip: FFS tell no-one! The “I only eat sausages made out of arseholes, washed down with wine made from the tears of people wanting advice on setting up a campsite” brigade, will destroy you. You’ll be told how much you should have stayed in the UK and that you’ve failed at life for not having tete de veau bi-weekly.

Q: Do you have no friends?

A: Yes

Top Tip: Enjoy telling all those wide-eyed dreamers that their hopes of a new life in France will be dashed if they don’t integrate fully with the locals, despite you yourself having launched a boundary dispute with your immediate neighbour and complaining about their noisy cockerel within a week of moving in to your longere.

A: Are you appalled by the cost of a cauliflower?

Top tip: Pull up a chair, you’ve found your people.

Q: Are you convinced Covid is a hoax, created by “them” to subjugate the little people?

A: Yes.

Top Tip: Enjoy lots of “good natured” banter on conspiracy theories that aren’t substantiated by fact, avec your cauliflower cheese.

Q. Are you a vegetarian, or drive an electric vehicle?

Q: Yes.

Top tip: Close the hatch on your bunker securely and welcome to the resistance. Blessed be the fruit.

Most of the abject unpleasantness could be avoided by just using the amazing resource that we have called the internet.

It’s rare I can’t translate something well enough to find what I’m looking for, whether it’s if something is open on a bank holiday (LOL – my sweet summer child) or what time Macron is on the telly.

Don’t get fished in to any comment that has been purposely labelled as a “conversation starter”, it’s like a badge of honour for absolute tools. It’s totally a trap! Yes, the comment might have boiled your actual piss, but it’s like a heavily baited lobster pot, and they have the rubber bands and you are Mr Pinchy. Think of them as an audience member on Question Time, take a deep breath, kick something, and move on. Your blood pressure will thank you.

Remember not to ever suggest using the internet to find anything, to anyone on the actual forum though,(Insert the I’ve said something stupid buzzer noise from the TV show QI) as you’ll be told in short order and in shouty capital letters “NOT EVERYONE HAS THE INTERNET” or a “SMARTPHONE”. Despite these people arguing with you “ON THE INTERNET!!!!”

You couldn’t make it up.

Peace, Love and and an abundant supply of Twinings teabags to all of you.

Laters, V xx

PS. Also, never ever have an opinion on French paint, and absolutely never admit to using Farrow and Ball. That’s reportedly what Marie Antionette actually said instead of let them eat cake, and we know that went down like a cup of cold sick.

PPS. I must say though, Blessed be the Admins, for they dealest with all the private messages we dost not see. And that must be some never endingest hell.