After my Hobowife guide to Instagram, here’s the sequel, the hobowife’s guide to Linked-In.

For the uninitiated, Linked-In is a social media platform, very similar to Facebook but generally speaking, for twats.*

*There is a handful of lovely people on Linked-in that I don’t want to punch in the face, but if you use it a lot, and think you might be a bit of a twat, then (whispers) I’m talking about you.

Linked-in, is essentially for professional people or companies to share how brilliant they are with everyone else, using in far too many cases, as much creative licence as possible. Also a place where you can spy on ex-colleagues and marvel at their career progression with the wonderment of a child.

If you’ve ever worked with someone that’s risen through the ranks on the back of other buggers efforts and harvested all the credit, let’s face it we all have, then they’ll be on here sharing the latest tweet from Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg like we all give a rats ass.

You’ll see ludicrous promotions and self important job titles of people that could barely tie their own shoes when you worked with them. Hilarious endorsements of non-existent skills, work anniversaries that just baffle you that their employers haven’t seen through their bull-crackers in two weeks flat, never mind they’re still employed after a year.

Here-in lies the problem. None of the absolute twats I’m referring to, will ever think I’m talking about them. They are rhino-skinned social climbers that have spent years believing they’re awesome, because they have that conversation with themselves in the bathroom mirror at the gym every morning (twice on Saturdays).

I usually ignore it. I’m only on there because it’s a necessary evil these days when looking for a job, it’s a place employers can go to get more information about a candidate that means the photos of you on Facebook puking on a hen-do in Magaluf can remain away from the head of HR.

Given that even now, I’m still getting calls and emails from recruiters, I figured I should update my bio to say basically, I hate you all and I’ve buggered off to France, so no I don’t want to be interviewed for a supply chain role for a major player in pharmaceuticals based in Barnsley. I looked at 8 months worth of unanswered notifications. Congratulate someone abhorrent on their promotion, congratulate someone feckless on their new job, marvel at the chinless idiot that just so happened to be at a trade show in Dubai. Bleugh, bleugh, bleugh.

Trouble with me always was and still is, that I throw myself into everything. I over commit, I over promise, then give myself an ulcer worrying about not just getting it done, but getting it done well. But, this said, I always did get it done and the only one that ever suffered was me, and the only person that ever reaped the benefit was someone higher up the food chain. Merely the krill to the great white shark if you will. As an anxiety sufferer, you’re so crushed by the weight of perceived impending failure, and you care so much about what you’re doing you lose your sense of humour and perspective. Usually, you’re not performing open heart surgery, so a figurative slip of the scalpel in work terms is hardly going to cause loss of life, even if in my case it might stop a production line. I should have told myself this a lot more over the last 20+ years, because you can’t get those sleepless nights back.

Modern industry is not really geared up for people like me to succeed. In my experience, many of the people that really truly care about what they do are overlooked, mainly because they are too busy caring and worrying themselves silly, and don’t have the sort of personality that jumps up, does a little tap dance and screams, over here – look at me! Opportunities go to the over confident, masters of self promotion, the ones that fit the mould and talk the talk, not the square pegs. I personally like my light where I can see it, and that’s firmly under a bushel.

So, Linked-in remains a window into a world I really don’t much like, where the Alpha males puff out their chests and swagger, while shrew faced ladies with overly-firm handshakes still have to be just that little bit better to be considered equal, even in 2018.

So here’s to all my fellow square pegs, tomorrow, at your desk, on your forklift, behind your counter, in the boardroom, be a little bit kinder to yourself, you’ve totally got this.

This square peg’s doing alright cheers.


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